There are so many issues confronting relationships today that I wonder how, if at all, people are still finding love – genuine, lasting, one-of-a-kind love. The rate at which people are falling in and out of love is frequent enough to give whiplash.
And those of us in the Church are not exempted.
And I keep thinking “Relationships aren’t meant to be this hard!”
I’ve been a marriage and relationship counsellor for close to twenty years now, and honestly, I must confess that I’m weary of Christian singles, because, it seems that no matter what we tell them about relationships, they generally still do whatever it is they want to do – usually in direct opposition to what I call the www of God – His way, His will and His Word. They give in to their own will and the counsel of others, forgetting, most conveniently at that time, that the Bible says in Psalm 33:11 “The counsel of the LORD stands forever… and in Proverbs 19:21 “There are many plans in a man’s heart, Nevertheless the LORD’S counsel-that will stand”.
Ultimately, the decision to follow man’s counsel rather than that of the Lord results in failure.
I’m convinced, beyond any shadow of doubt, that the reason for so many relationship problems is the fulfilment of self-will rather than that of God.
God’s will for romantic relationships amongst Christian singles is for them to pursue His will, and then find love in the process, not to pursue love, while finding His love in the process. In most relationships among Christian singles, the cart has been placed before the horse; how else would we explain the prevalence of sexual sin amongst our youths?
Over the years, I’ve come to realise that, as in most things in life, success in relationships is a function of the practice of the art or science of excellence therein.
I’ve come to understand that there is an art to successful and fulfilling relationships, and that art is fully expressed in the acronym A.R.T. of Relationships.
The A.R.T. of Relationships is mutual:
- Attraction
- Respect
- Trust
Attraction
One of the most basic definitions of attraction is an inexorable pull towards a person, place or thing. Being physically attracted to someone is one of the precursors to dating him or her.
Unfortunately, we’re seeing more and more cases of people dating without actually stopping to assess if they’re physically attracted to each other. Physical attraction should be a prerequisite for dating.
Genesis 29:17-18
Leah’s eyes were delicate, but Rachel was beautiful of form and appearance.
Now Jacob loved Rachel; so he said, “I will serve you seven years for Rachel your younger daughter.”
Jacob was clearly attracted to Rachel.
While many people are quite familiar with the concept of physical attraction, there’s more to the concept than just a physical pull. There should always be physical attraction between two people in a relationship, but beyond that, for their relationship be mutually fulfilling, there would also need to be emotional, spiritual and intellectual attraction.
Emotional attraction can be likened to a syncing of souls. While we all know that opposites attract (even emotionally), a dating couple should be able to complement (not complete) each other emotionally. Their respective personalities should glide smoothly alongside each other – not cause friction.
Intellectual attraction is very often downplayed in contemporary times. Indeed, I would totally agree that a man and a woman need not be intellectual equals to have a great relationship; however, I should also point out that they should have a good number of things in common and be able to reason and converse at a level that the other finds entertaining and intriguing. In many relationships – even amongst Christians, there’s a whole lot more physicality than intellectuality, in their pursuits.
I believe that Spiritual attraction is the most important form of the concept. In what I consider to be one of the most epic love stories of all time, Abraham sent his trusted steward to go get a wife for Isaac his son – from amongst Abraham’s own people – people he trusted not to be idol worshippers. While they may not have known the Lord the way he did, he was confident, by virtue of his past with them, that they would ordinarily not be idol worshippers like those in his community. Through a divine selection process in Genesis 24, the steward approached Rebecca’s family and then the young lady herself, for her hand in marriage to Abraham’s son, and she consented – sight unseen. They were able to make their marriage so great and fulfilling that, even after their sons (born to Isaac at age sixty, according to Genesis 25), were fully grown men, Isaac was still seen “sporting” with his wife Rebecca.
He was sporting with his wife even in his old age. That’s why I consider it an epic love story.
This is because he married a woman with whom he had a spiritual affinity – an aversion to idol worship.
2 Corinthians 6:14
Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?
When the Bible asks us not to be “unequally yoked with unbelievers, it’s a call to avoid romantic entanglements with anyone who does not share your spiritual convictions. It’s not just about Christianity in general; it’s about having a lifestyle that glorifies the Lord daily. Aaaand, before you start wondering what to do if you find yourself so strongly attracted to someone who shares your faith, let me remind you that you cannot date every single person you find yourself attracted to. indeed, you cannot even date every single believer you’re attracted to. The person could be married, engaged or in a committed relationship. He or she may not even be into you. You could find yourself physically attracted to a narcissist, but that doesn’t mean you should go ahead and date such a person after seeing his true character.
Attraction is a pull, true, but we as humans have a self-will – the ability to determine our responses, rather than be victims of our reactions. Use it.
Respect
Respect is essentially about holding another person in high esteem, and treating him or her accordingly. If you find yourself unable to hold a potential partner in high esteem, then you have no business pursuing a romantic relationship with him or her, as this would most likely lead to resentment. You must be able to identify core features of the other person that you value and hold in high esteem – obviously, beyond the physical.
When discussing the issue of respect, I typically caution people who like to get up at the crack of dawn to work, to be careful about getting into relationships with people who lay in bed until noon, only to sit up, press a few buttons, and the dollars start rolling in (like an influencer or ecommerce merchant). Eventually, each would begin to detest the other.
Respect is a function of observation and study. Your observation and study of another would reveal certain character traits and behavioural tendencies that would make you either admire or
When people talk about being ghosted in their relationships, it smacks of a lack of respect. It communicates, typically, that the other person doesn’t hold one in high esteem, because, let’s face it, all things being equal, you don’t ghost people who are very important to you. So, if you’re being ghosted by your significant other, first make sure that everything’s fine at his or her end (that is, he/she’s not ill, hospitalized, in prison, out of town or dead!), and if it continues, it may be a sign that you’re not on that person’s list of priorities. It just may be time to… move along, because hey, let’s face it, if friends can prioritise you, why wouldn’t your significant other?
Trust
Many people believe that trust is earned, but I believe that it’s freely given. Take for instance, a conference chair. You don’t wait for it to earn your trust before you decide to sit, trusting that it’s sturdy enough to hold your weight. It’s the same with mankind: you choose to freely give your trust to someone (of course, after ascertaining that he or she is not a serial killer or creep). So, I believe that trust is freely given, at least until such a time as it is betrayed.
Trust is a function of shared values. Having common values and belief systems goes a long way in understanding your partner and being able to vouch for their behaviour under certain circumstances. Trust is not just about cheating partners; it’s also about your belief in your partner to know what they can or cannot do, or how far they would typically go in a particular situation.
Many people have trust issues resulting from their past relationships. Unless and until these are dropped, it would be difficult to move on from them.
I often tell the story of someone I dated. He hated the fact that I had platonic male friends, saying he didn’t believe men and women could be platonic friends without something romantic developing between them. It took a while, but I eventually realized it was because we had opposing value and belief systems. He came from a background where people typically moved from being friends to being friends with benefits. I came from a background where friends of the opposite sex typically remained friends for long, and if there was going to be any shift, it wouldn’t be a spur of the moment thing. Despite his strong belief in the Lord, and his conviction that I was “the one”, he couldn’t or wouldn’t accept that there was no romantic thing going on with my platonic male friends. Eventually, I had to break it off with him because I saw clearly that he had trust issues.
If you or your partner are grappling with trust issues, you could either get counselling or just take a step back to reevaluate the situation.
As you strive to glorify God in every aspect of your life – including your relationship, try to assess it through the lenses of the art of relationships. If you and your partner are truly practicing the art, there’s no way you wouldn’t have a fulfilling relationship.
It might not end in marriage, but the memories would always bring a smile to your face.
