Girl You Deserve Better – A Message From Your Brother – How to get what you truly deserve and desire in a man and relationship.
Today I want to talk directly to the ladies. Having grown up in a house full of women and being the dad of two beautiful daughters there are a few things I have observed about the heart of a woman. These inherent traits don’t change no matter what you go through in your lifetime. I saw it as early as two in my daughters and still see it in my mother who just turned 79. The heart to love, serve, and be edified by the men around them is really a God given desire.
Recently I was speaking with a friend about her love life. Let’s call her “Amber” for name’s sake. She proceeded to tell me all of the pain and agony of a recent relationship and how poorly she was being treated. Too many disrespectful things to mention, but needless to say, she still had ties with him as his phone call interrupted our conversation and lead to a subsequent phone disconnection. She was also hiding a secret. She lied to her family and friends about taking trips for work, when in reality she was spending time with this man.
Consequently, every conversation about Amber’s love life becomes draining to everyone around her and it’s all she can talk about. Every other word is, He is this, or that, or, What do you think he means by this?” and of course the standard, I know I deserve better. Growing up in the south I can hear all my southern girls saying, Yes you do girl!
I get it. But, stop for a second and consider this. The word “deserve” implies that you embody qualities worthy of respect. Someone else has to recognize and honor those qualities in order for you to get what desire. In this case Amber wants a man who treats her good, the way she feels she deserves to be treated. But Amber may not get what she deserves until she gets her desires lined out. Her current ones are out of sync with God’s design for her.
The issue at hand really relates to LUST. Just as physical lust blinds some men, there is an emotional lust that causes some incredible women to be blinded. This lust subsequently paralyzes reason and imprisons their attachment to this emotional desire. So what happens next? You spend the next month, year, decade in this state until you finally step up and take responsibility and control of yourself. But sometimes, by the time you wake up and recognize this, it’s too late. The relationship you’re in is sinking, and you’re forced to face the stark reality that what you deserve or desire is more than you are accepting. And sadly, your chances of getting them now are not as easy as if you would have required those things from the beginning.
It really relates back to the law of first fruits. What you do in the beginning affects everything down the line. When you have a strong foundation in anything, it can help weather the storms that will naturally happen. When we set things up correctly from the beginning (i.e. marriage, job, parenthood, or friendship) it secures a better chance of success.
I’ve seen your quotes on Facebook and it appears that men are to blame for your decisions in choosing something less than you desire. It’s hard for me to sit by and watch you do this. As your brother I am going to give you some simple advice. If you do nothing with it, sooner or later you will succumb to the pain of poor choices.
Girl You Deserve Better
Every moment matters. When looking for someone to have a relationship with, every word, action, and moment matters. While we all have a bad day once in a while, you have to observe every moment and address things quickly in others that don’t coincide with truth. God’s truth – not our own.
Everything has to be setup correctly. From the very beginning of a relationship, these men are training you how they want you to be. You might not think so, but they are testing every aspect of your character and it only gets progressively worse. As a woman, when you meet a man, within the first 30 minutes or so you size up whether this guy is a friend, relationship material, or nothing at all. If you are really desperate for a man, you will literally accept anything because you are getting that attention you so desire. Men can sense this, and will take advantage of this. The most obvious line from a woman with this type of attitude is, “Don’t think you are going to…” That is the male call signal for you are an easy prey.
We as men look at it slightly different. Within the first few minutes we have already decided whether you are relationship material or not. Some men will allow things to continue if there is something in it for them. Sex, money, a home cooked meal, not being alone, and well then, it then becomes about selfishness. For example, I had one friend who dated a woman for a short period of time because she was an awesome cook and homemaker. She had no children of her own so she would show up, make him dinner, clean his house, and provide that “mom” type of environment so he wouldn’t have to do anything. She set it up all wrong from the beginning. She wanted to show him how awesome of a woman she was by doing those things, while he had already made up his mind from the first date, that there would not be anything more. When she wanted more from him, the relationship ended.
Or take Amber’s example, when this man is out of money or wants to go out for the evening, Amber takes her money and provides. She is sacrificing her family needs for someone who really isn’t invested in her. He is also using her physically, which is why her ties are deeper than she would admit. Again, I see these stories repeated over and over. The landslide of these poor decisions only pushes you to finding someone who is in the same condition.
The question I would ask you to ponder is: What do you really want in a man? Would you rather wait for God’s best or accept something that will never satisfy? My friend Wendy Griffith, in her book “You Are a Prize to be Won” talks about this as she writes: “Here was a guy with whom I had felt hardly any sparks when I had first met him, and I had to convince myself to give him a chance-and now I was trying to convince him that I was worthy of his love.”
I believe the main theme is that you need to start to see yourself in the light of how God see’s you, your value, and who you actually are. You need to know how beautiful and amazing you are, even if you don’t feel like it. Why? Because God created you that way! It wasn’t random or by happenstance that he did it. He thought about you, before he created everything. EVERYTHING. Ponder this verse. It gives me great encouragement to know that regardless of the way I feel, I have someone who knew ahead of time and all the things my life would bring, yet he chose me as the focus of his love.
How blessed is God! And what a blessing he is! He’s the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in him. Long before he laid down earth’s foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son. Ephesians 1:3-6 (MSG)
You are setting yourself up for failure if you don’t first resolve in yourself who you are. Second, those whom you allow in your life in friendship and relationship must first pass the requirements of honoring who you are, but you have to require it or it won’t happen. Requiring it is easy if you do it from the start. It’s not done in the use of abrupt words (Don’t think you are going to…) but rather small actions. It is affirming the things that are good and addressing the things that don’t hold up to truth. You already know that the God of the universe values you regardless of what any man thinks. You have to choose to believe it and remind yourself of it daily. Stand in front of that mirror in the morning and say “I am loved and valued by the God of the Universe.” Say it until you start to believe it. Because when you believe it, you will start to live in the light of it and no one will be able to change your mind as to who you are. Then the men who come into your life will either run quickly or live up to the challenge of God’s truth.
If you are struggling with this right now, or have been through a recent breakup I suggest you read Wendy’s book “You Are a Prize to be Won.” She has some powerful words of encouragement written in the light of her experiences and there is no teacher like experience.
You have to first see yourself in that light of being a prize, before anyone else will see you that way. And this, my little sister, can’t be faked.
Girl You Deserve Better – A Message From Your Brother