Resources for Single Christians

The Big SEXT Talk. For girls only!

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The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. ~George Bernard Shaw

The Big SEXT Talk. For girls only! Hello sweet girl. Relax, cozy up in a chair, and grab a cup of coffee and let’s have some girl talk with Sister Stacy. I’ve put up the “No boys allowed” sign and we are going to get real and raw for a few minutes – just us girls. You see, I’ve been noticing a particular snare in your life that you keep getting tangled up in and I think it’s time that we do something about that. I don’t want to see any more tears on your sweet face because you’ve gotten your tender heart entangled in this trap again. So let’s talk about the text trap. I’m also referring to this as the sext trap because more often than not, it leads to sex.

I’ve seen so many sweet and sincere girls just like you fall in this trap. We can all be misguided, mislead and misunderstood through texts and it can be tricky to figure out sometimes. Now, I don’t want to be a kill-joy and say that texting is a bad thing. I know women love to get texts from men. I know how your little heart pounds when Mr. Wonderful sends a text and the sun suddenly comes out and the birds start singing love songs. But I’m amazed at how many women assume that a few texts from a man means a real relationship is underway. Then they get all excited and start to let their guard down because, well, after all, he might be “The One”!

Texts from men are all fine and dandy, until a woman gets it in her cute little head that a man might be seriously interested in her because he is texting her and so she gives the whole bank away. She starts responding like she is his future wifey and sometimes that means that she lowers her standards and crosses some important boundaries. And funny, after that happens, everything thing starts falling apart. Then her heart gets broken when he checks out, becomes sporadic in his texts or just vanishes altogether. Don’t cha just hate it when that happens!
So let’s set up some principles for staying out of that darn trap!

1. Texts from a man should be going somewhere – like in a direction, to a destination – not just wandering aimlessly around like a desert nomad.

I always hear women say they want the guy to lead and I agree. So let’s give ‘em the reigns and see where they lead. Is he asking questions about you as a person or interested in your work, your family, your dog? Is he asking if he can meet you for coffee sometime? If he’s not, and so you find yourself asking him those questions, then you might just be stuck in one of those texting deserts and you’re the one leading. If it’s been a week or two and he hasn’t asked you out yet, or at the very least, let you know that he is interested in getting to know you better, it’s time to pack it up and head back to the city. Don’t wander the desert with him! It’s really dry out there and you’re not a camel!

2. His texts should not be compromising you in any way.

Is he asking you dumb questions like, “What are you wearing?” Is he trying to get you to talk about sexual things? Or worse, is he asking you to send him inappropriate pics? If he is, let me just set the record straight. No guy who wants a real future with you will ask you any of those questions. If he’s not interacting with you in a way that includes respect, care, trust and pure intimacy – don’t participate, he’s not serious about you. Don’t even respond! Get away from that trap before it gets you! Do not ever, ever, EVER send an inappropriate picture to a man, I don’t care how much you trust him. I’ve seen too many of those pics come back to haunt women. If you’ve already sent some out, don’t get in a panic, our God is powerful! Pray over those pics. God has a hundred ways he can keep them from destructing your life. But you really need to pray over them – we don’t want them to fall into the hands of the enemy.

3. No E-tethering!

E-tethering is when a man strings a woman along by sending her just enough texts to keep her “tethered” to him but he has no intention of getting into a committed relationship with her. He’s the guy who contacts you out of the blue every few weeks with a quick “Hey what’s up?” You answer and he responds with a quick, meaningless answer. His short, meaningless answer is not the point though. The point is, he just wanted to see if you would answer! Yep, he is just like a fisherman putting out a trout line then checking it every week or so to see if any fish are caught. Honestly, these texts are so annoying! What are you, a trout? He needs to be putting action on his part to see you instead of baiting you with lame and inconsistent texts. If he isn’t, get out your trusty wire-clippers and cut yourself free!

4. Texts from a man should accompany a relationship, not be the relationship.

If you are trying to build a relationship with a man through texting, you are building on a sand tunnel. You’re doing this if you’re sending him long drawn-out messages with stories about you, your childhood, your work and all the other little things you want to tell him about. Hey sweet girl, he can hear about those things when he takes you out to dinner! But until then, he gets nothing but nice, polite and short responses to his inquiries. The whole idea is to make him want to know more about you! Any relationship worth being in happens because a man can’t help but want to be with you. If that isn’t the case, then whatever you would have isn’t worth it anyway. Don’t be afraid that you will lose a guy if you don’t shower him with interest. In the arena of love there is a strange paradox in that the kind of girl that gets the guy and keeps him is the one who isn’t afraid of losing him.

So little sister, I hope this little talk has cleared up some things for you.

Here’s the deal. The man who is right for you will pursue you, and God’s hand in the relationship will be clear. No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends. I heard Steve Harvey say this in an interview: “If a man sees a women over THERE that he is interested in, he will go over THERE to meet her. But if he isn’t moving to go over THERE, he isn’t interested.” In texting language that means: If a man is interested, he initiates the texting and is on a mission to win you over. You don’t need to be strategic and have to try to win him over with fascinating texts about your life. You don’t need to bite at every bait that is presented before you. God has the strategy all worked out. He is the ultimate matchmaker. Relax, sit pretty and allow yourself to be found.

Photo By: Jim Pennucci

Stay tuned for the “The Big SEXT Talk, Part TWO. For men only!

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