Resources for Single Christians

This Could Be Why You’re Not Married Yet…

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Ever watch a child play with a ball? He is so fixated on the ball that he blocks out everything around him. Children are only able to focus on the object in front of them and possessing it is their only goal. The child fears that if the ball disappears, then it is lost forever. Try to take the ball away from him and he cries. Give the ball to another child and he throws a jealous fit. If the ball gets away and bounces into a busy street with oncoming traffic the child blindly runs after it unaware of the danger that threatens him…..until Dad sees the whole scene, runs and swoops up the child to save the day.

There is a psychological term called “fixation” in which one is stuck in a state of being fixated on an object, desire or person. This stage of emotional development is usually resolved in younger development stages, however, because of family dysfunctions, traumas or woundings, sometimes this important stage is stalled and people can be stuck. The way this plays out in our adult lives is that we fail to see all the options that are available to us. Instead, we can only perceive and fixate on whatever is right in front of us. If someone takes that thing away, we throw a fit. If it runs from us, we will chase it, even to the detriment of our own safety. The danger of fixating so intently on the goal of our desire is that bad choices inevitably follow.

So, here is what I often witness: A single person wants to be in a relationship or get married and that desire becomes the object of their fixation. Then those desires drive them to almost insanity. They are obsessed with the search for the “right” person. Then, when they find someone, they cry if that person leaves and they will even chase that person to the ends of the earth because they think their only chance of getting married was tied up in that one person. Here is the cold, hard truth; the problem is not that the other person got away, the problem is that you’re stuck in stage of fixation that has kept you at the emotional maturity of a child and unless this gets resolved, it will wreak havoc on your future relationships making them completely dysfunctional. You can’t be in a healthy relationship unless you are healthy first.

I mentioned earlier how a dad sees a child chasing a ball into the street and he runs, swoops up the child in his arms and carries him to safety. This is exactly why your relationship did not work out. God saw that you were headed for danger and he intervened. But instead of putting you down again to go play with your ball, he has decided to take the ball away and teach you how to function with the emotional maturity of an adult. Most likely, that “ball” is out of your sight right now and you are a little panicky or angry. If the possibility of marriage or a relationship isn’t within your sight, you fall apart. You can’t function. You don’t want to go on any more. Do you see the childishness of this?

In order to heal you, God must take you away from marriage and a relationship and in another direction that is all about maturing and healing you. Marriage is not in the plans for you right now, and they won’t be until you have faced your past head on and allowed God to heal you. The problem is that people are very reluctant to follow God on paths that temporarily take them in the opposite direction of their goal. These paths don’t often make sense and they are not immediately recognized as part of the solution. It resembles finding the solution to the Rubiks Cube. At several places in the solution path, it is necessary to move the cube in ways that seem to make the goal seem farther away. But unless you make those moves, you will never ultimately reach the final goal.

How do you open a locked treasure chest? Well, if you have a key, you simply use it. That is the shortest path to your goal right? But what if you don’t have a key? More steps may be needed, and those steps may require your going AWAY from your goal in order to ultimately reach it. So you may need to leave the chest, search for the key, possibly make a few phone calls to inquire about it, find the key, return to the chest and THEN finally unlock it.

The key to your future is hidden in your healing and you must let God take you through that process. Start praying about the ways you exhibit childishness or fixation in your relationships. Start asking questions. Ask the Holy Spirit, “Why did I react like that?” Why can’t I let go when I need to?” Why do I feel anger rise in me so easily?” God knows the answer to these questions and he will reveal the answers to you. The bible tells us the Holy Spirit’s role in our lives is to teach us these things. John 16:13-14:

But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. He will glorify me because it is from me that he will receive what he will make known to you. John 16:13-14.

It is God’s desire to make known to you all the things in your heart that he wants to heal. When you are healed, he will give you the ball back, then take you back to that treasure chest with the key to open it for you.

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